What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 07:46
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
How many women have accidentally pooped their pants and became turned on afterwards?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was in good health!
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She married twice! .
My life is so biszare .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
What is the sum of X+XX+XXX+XXXX?
I don,t even have a pension.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was 9 years of age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why do some people enjoy being dominated?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
What did i know ?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ive learnt so much.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She wouldn,t have been !
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Would this be the day?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Put me off passion for life!!
She found it foreign!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it wasn’t much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was scared of men, in general
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We were not on the streets..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I write beautiful poetry .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But, we were locked up after school.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i lived it daily.
I will be 64.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He knew the spot.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I said to her
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So, i spoilt her more .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Was to survive, this bastard.
So whats the point in blame.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She loved him until the end.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Who then, do I blame.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im still living with it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I think the readers, may guess!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is soul school!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It was going to be , some day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I waited trembling.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I have no regrets .
One cannot live in the past .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We all went to grammer schools
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When she asked me how she looked .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.